lestercraft | TLV: IC Inbox

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TLV: IC Inbox

"This is Arthur Lester. I'm not available right now, but do leave a message and I'll find the time. A-a voice message, please."

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[OOC: Please note Arthur is blind, so audio format is strongly ICly preferred, but by God don't let that stop you]

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"I'll talk to him later, maybe," he admits as he shifts a little, moving to put his head on Arthur's lap.

"Do you ever- when things... maybe they're not the same, but there's pieces that are similar to something in your memory. Something... That hurt. That you don't like to think about."

He looks up at Arthur.

"I know that situation isn't going to happen again, but I feel... afraid. Like I was then. It's not... reasonable. I have no reason to be but what I feel afraid. Like I did then."

And there's an ache in his chest, sharp and empathetic.

"Oh, John..." His hands pull away for a moment, but only so he can take his gloves off. Then one hand goes back to combing, and the other rests lightly on his neck, a warm point of direct contact. "I do, yes. It's not reasonable, but it is... it's expected, in a way, when you go through something- traumatising. W-when I was a boy we mostly saw it in soldiers who came home from the war - sharp noises like a car backfiring o-or fireworks reminded them so much of gunfire that they thought they were back in the trenches."

His hand on John's neck moves to give his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Sheehan and I have spoken a little about it, that- those sorts of memories quite literally change how your mind works, like a broken bone. Your mind latches onto the similarities, rather than the context, and it puts you in- back in those memories, almost."

Arthur will feel it, the little shifts as he removes the gloves, goes skin to skin, and then the squeeze to his shoulder.

His eyes don't open.

"That's what happened. Earlier."

A pause.

"How do you deal with the actual situation? What's really happening?"

"I'm..." He sighs softly. "I'm not sure. Whenever it happens to me I just... I try and push through the fear, focus on what's in front of me. Find something I can- I can engage with, to keep me grounded." He gives a soft huff. "You were always quite good at that, when we were together. Keeping me from getting stuck in a- a-a spiral, I suppose."

"Hmmph."

Not a fussy sound, just a thoughtful one. He can do that. He just wanted to make sure it wasn't going to fuck everything up or make it worse.

"It's harder when it's yourself," he says, with completely earnest observation.

That gets a soft huff. "It truly is. And depending on the memory, it's not as easy as just toughing it out. Some things can be- too much for you, to pull yourself up by your bootstraps."

He takes John's hand, and gives him another squeeze, tangling their fingers. "It's why we keep trying to push you to talk to us. Everyone on the ship has memories like that, no matter how much they might deny it or not realise it."

He looks up, at their fingers entwined, and nods at that.

"Have you looked on the network today?"

It's not like Arthur won't know soon enough.

"I did. I saw Edwin's post, but... I don't know, I-I didn't want to push my luck with him when we just got back on stable ground."

He shifts his legs slightly so he can slump lower and get comfortable under John. "I'm sorry that it prompted you to feel... like that."

He's quiet for a long moment. Edwin just got stable with Arthur... But he and Arthur just got stable together. And Arthur wants him to talk about it.

Hmm.

"When I saw him, with Richter. With Richter's body. The way he talked about him..." He pauses before making that final step. "It reminded me of the moments just... Just before the Dark World. Being... defeated. And... hurt. That the King had no more use for me."

His hand tightens in John's, the one in his hair stills... but the only real reaction is an internal flinch, a sharp sympathy for John.

"You know that Edwin's not going to hurt you," he echoes, softly. "But that doesn't change how much the moment reminded you of something terrifying."

"Right," he says, sounding miserable. But that's exactly what it is.

He gently drags his nails down John's scalp, a soft reward for the honesty.

"You're not a bad person for having a bad reaction to something, John," he says gently, lifting John's hand to press against his cheek. "Even to something Edwin said."

Well, the positive reinforcement is certainly on target. John soaks in the affection and his fingers curl gently around Arthur's cheek.

"He doesn't need me reminding him of what the King did."

"And you don't need reminding of what the King did to you," he replies immediately, tightening his fingers between John's. "Neither of you are at fault, but. Perhaps both of you could stand to talk to someone about it. To help you- come to terms with it."

There's a slight huff before he turns to settle a little more against Arthur.

"I am talking to you about it."

He releases John's hand so he can drape his arm across John's body, a sort of loose hug.

"I know, a-and I'm glad for it, I really am. I just... wish I could do more to help you. I feel rather underqualified for the task."

He looks up then.

"Of course you're helping me."

He snorts lightly. "You know what I mean."

He looks up at Arthur.

"Of course I do." He considers how to explain, his eyes wandering for a moment before he finds it.

"Sometimes, I don't need a solution or an answer. I just need to know that what I'm feeling is... is understandable by someone."

"You need to know someone can empathise with you," he agrees softly. "That knows what it feels like so you feel... heard, through the constant rattling of it in your mind."

He considers that... and then holds up his hand to wobble it a little.

"That too. But I'm still... working out existing in this way, Arthur. Sometimes, I'm not sure if it's something... due to what I once was, due to what I now am or if it's something more... human."

He curls awkwardly over so he can press a kiss against John's forehead, on his hairline.

"I think that- regardless, of where it comes from. The urge to find- community, to seek out people who share that commonality no matter how unpleasant it might be. I believe that's very human."

John gives a slow exhale at the kiss, relishing the fondness and affection like a rare prize, before he huffs a little huff at the rest.

"I'll take your word for it," though it is very very obvious that John is quietly delighted at the compliment.

He gives a soft chuckle, giving John's hand another soft nuzzle.

"I'll accept that, I suppose." And even in his own voice is soft warmth and pride for John's efforts. God knows how hard he's trying. And he adds, more gently, "And- if there's anything you need help with, with Edwin..."

There's a pause at that, though a less uncomfortable one than Arthur might have expected. He looks up again.

"Does it bother you to deal with him? Given... everything?"

TLV: IC Inbox

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