lestercraft | TLV: IC Inbox

[ You think very loudly sometimes, sir. ]

We don't need to, but I want to. So. Can I?

[He puts down the cup a little too heavily, making it slosh slightly, but he ignores it.]

If you want to fuck around with rooms, John, you have your own cabin. Don't drag mine into it.

[ John, on the other hand, keeps his cool. His hands are steady. ]

So it's not that it's 'fine'. It's that you want it that way.

[ A glance up. ]

Or you don't want it that way, but you feel like it has to be for some reason.

[ And down to his tea.]

You could have just said that. Whichever it is.

[He can't help the way he bristles, at John so succinctly dismissing his perspective on it, and he pushes off the counter to move away. Not leaving, just not right next to the bastard.]

If you knew I was going to say no, then why did you even bother asking?

[ That has him looking up, startled, and the confusion is plain. That isn't- ]

I didn't know that.

[ What? When did he say he knew that? ]

I asked because I didn't know. And at first I thought maybe you really didn't care when you said it was fine. And since I care, I wanted to do something about it. I asked because I didn't want to assume and make you unhappy with your room.

But you're getting angry, so it's pretty clear you do care. So I don't know why you said something different.

[ He pressed his lips together.]

You usually don't lie to me, or try to confuse me about things like this.

Edited 2024-03-12 03:47 (UTC)

[The open confusion is what makes Arthur's next growl stick in his throat, and he still, confusion clear on his own for a moment.

John's not fucking with him.

Of fucking course he's not. He barely knows how and he- he doesn't. Not with him.

Christ he's a fucking idiot.]

N-no, no, I'm...

[He can feel his face burning as he straightens, tense now from the self-admonishing embarassment.]

I-I'm not. Lying, I mean. I just... [he runs his hand through his hair and sighs tightly. Use your fucking words.] It's- it's the same as the filter, John.

[ He'll get to see the flash of fear in his eyes as he's reminded of the filter, and then a quick nod. He'll look down at the tea. ]

Okay.

[ No fight. He's said his piece; hopefully Arthur heard him when he said he hates it. Because he does.

But if he tries to point that out now, it'll sound like manipulation.
He still remembers how angry Arthur had been back in Addison.

He won't.

He nods. ]

Understood.

[He hates how his stomach roils at the sight of John's fear, and his hands come together automatically, rubbing the side of his left hand in a too-rough pinching motion.]

John, I'm... th-this isn't about- keeping you out, it's... [It feels pathetic saying it, and his right hand tightens thoughtlessly, making a throb of pain surge up his wrist.] It's- having something of my own, making that mean something, I... look, I just don't want it changed, alright? If I do, I'll let you know.

[ He nods again. ]

I just realized I hadn't asked. Or made it clear that I would do it if you wanted it done.

I wouldn't touch it without you saying so.

[He steps in, moving gently like John's a skittish animal, rather than admitting he feels like he's going to crawl out of his own skin in shame, and puts his hand on John's wrist. Almost pulls away at how slight his hand looks around John's broad wrist.]

Thank you. F-for asking. I'll...

[He sighs, his gaze dropping as he can't find it in him to meet John's.]

If I need, o-or want anything. I know I can rely on you.

[ He doesn't need to worry: John leans into the touch hungrily and even starts to smile a little again. ]

And if you don't need something. Or don't want it.

I won't take the choice away from you.

[ He glances towards the bedroom of his cabin. ]

And if you want to keep it like it is but you don't want to deal with it, you can come here. Any time.

[He moves in to press his shoulder against John's arm, some physical solidarity even if he feels his stomach pitch unpleasantly.

He knows he won't. And he's pretty sure John suspects, but. It is what it is.

A choice.

It just feels sad that it means so much, at this point.

He takes a deep breath, and lets his weight sink into John a bit more.]

I won't deny I'm a bit... nervous, about pairings coming up.

[ John knows. He hadn't known when he'd asked, suspected but not known, but now he knows. And that knowledge burns.

He wants to scream. He wants to fight this, fight Arthur.

You gave me this body! And now you're using it to keep me away!

You gave me the means to help you! And now you won't let me!

Helpless again. Always helpless. The one thing he wants to do and he can't do any of it.]

Because people will know? Or because of who might be your temporary warden?

[He hums, non-committal.]

Both, I guess. Having to worry about who's supposed to be in charge of me.

[With a wry edge to it, still. Even he knows that isn't going to be how it goes down.]

But also... I-I haven't told anyone for a reason, it just... I guess I- I wanted to...

[But after a few seconds of struggling for the words he just sighs, and rests his head on John's arm like he can bury his face in his bicep.]

I wanted to pretend nothing happened, maybe. Just... keep acting like I was still... i-in control, of- of something. Maybe. I don't know.

[ The only answer to that first but is a wry sideways look in return: oh yeah, sure, you're certainly governable. Right.

But for the rest, he'll just reach over with the other hand to tentatively pet his hair. He opens his mouth but every answer seems wrong. Finally, he says-]

Arthur...

Can you tell me how to comfort you now?

...everything I can think to say feels wrong. But I- you're my partner. I need to do something.

I have hands and arms and legs. I can do things. I can do so many things. But I can't... help you without hurting you. So.

Can you tell me what to do?

[A little of the tension in his shoulders settles with the hand in his hair; not much, but still noticeably.

After a few seconds he lifts his head, pushing off John a little - but only so he can come around to John's front instead and tuck himself under John's chin instead.]

I'm... [His grip tightens on John's shirt, anxiety and shame squeezing like a vice on him.] I wish I had an answer.

[ He's just going to get his arms around Arthur and hold him for the time being, press a few kisses into his hair because he has the angle for it, and he'll let him feel a little of the warm, bright love that's inside of him just for Arthur. ]

That's okay too.

[ If there isn't an answer, there isn't an answer. He's not a patient creature but there are some things worth waiting for. He can just hold him for now. ]

[It's easy to pretend he can hate himself a little less, when he feels John's love so intensely through him. So he squeezes against him a bit tighter, like if he tries he can keep some of that love for himself.]

I-I should... [He takes a breath, and tries again.] I should- tell people. About... this.

[ John pauses a little at the switch in topic, but he does nod. ]

Probably. It's going to get announced anyway. And this way you get to-

[ A sensitive word, and he tip toes around it sensitively. ]

-to control how people hear about it. How something is said is almost as important as what's being said.

[He knows that, and he nods against John's chest. Takes a deep breath filled with him to try and steady himself.

Tries to remember to use his words.]

Could we- sit down? B-before I lose my nerve.

Of course.

[ John's going to give him a quick squeeze. ]

If you need something while you're filming...

[ He'll tap his temple; Arthur can ask for anything he needs without the rest of the barge seeing or hearing it. He can keep his secrets. ]

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