TLV: IC Inbox

[lestercraft]

"This is Arthur Lester. I'm not available right now, but do leave a message and I'll find the time. A-a voice message, please."

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[OOC: Please note Arthur is blind, so audio format is strongly ICly preferred, but by God don't let that stop you]

Comments

[lestercraft]

John's wry comment gets an amused hum in response, but the actual question takes a bit longer to come back to.

"I don't know," he admits quietly. "Maybe just the idea of someone... loving me, at all."

[greatoldjohn]

John doesn't often hide his emotions from Arthur. Usually, it's a relief to let them hang open and free between them so someone at least understands where he's coming from. Right now, he keeps things matter-of-fact.

[Why?]

[lestercraft]

"Maybe something to do with my shitty sense of self worth, according to the doctor," he comments with sudden acidity.

[greatoldjohn]

This is a little more familiar.

[Are you angry at him for saying it for... something else?]

[lestercraft]

"I'm angry at him for saying it at all," he shoots back sharply. Anger is a much easier emotion to handle than his own distress, much as neither one feels any better than the other. "That's-- i-it's not true, for one, and it's a fucking insulting aspersion."

[greatoldjohn]

John has his own opinions on the accuracy of the comment, but like hell is he going to say anything on that. Instead-

[Do you think he was trying to insult you?]

[lestercraft]

"Sure. Maybe." But that's- ungenerous, and he knows it. "I don't know. I told him he deserved better. Better than someone who's inevitably going to get him killed, or worse."

[greatoldjohn]

Arthur will feel a little bit of internal debate from John bubble to the surface before he finally offers-

[How?

The Butcher?]

But he will at least add-

[This place is dangerous, Arthur, even outside of anything we might bring into his life.]

[lestercraft]

"I know." Through gritted teeth, as he lifts his hand to knead the heel of his palm into an eye, and feeling a sudden burst of frustration that he doesn't even get that small relief, of being able to rub tear-sore eyes until he could pretend the ache was something else.

So he just sighs heavily, and lets his hand flop, letting it catch on his loose tie and spontaneously pulling it even more so, half-unravelling it. "I know," he repeats more softly. "I just... I don't know. I don't even know if I want people in my life, half the time. There's a... there's a duty to them, that- th-that I don't know if I can live up to."

[greatoldjohn]

[That's the most important thing, isn't it?] This seems like the point to follow. They can argue all day about safety and worth. But this-

[Whether you want this or not. Do you? ]

[lestercraft]

The silence from Arthur probably goes on worryingly long, with how heavy that old emotional weight is sitting unmoving on his chest.

But finally, it shifts, buoyed by that tiny flicker of hope, a golden note in the dark. "...I don't want to lose him. Especially from my own actions. I don't... I don't want to make him leave, any more than I want him hurt because of me."

[greatoldjohn]

[You can only feel how you feel, Arthur. And you can only offer what you want. It's up to him to decide if he wants to accept that.]

A brief pause.

[I don't think you'll lose him if you do. He cares about you.]